Blessed Overwhelmedness

Even to your old age I am He, and even to hair white with age will I carry you. I have made, and I will bear; yes, I will carry and will save you.

Isaiah 46:4

The last week and a half has been ...well hard. Why? I’ve pondered that as well. As is the case with me, a multitude of thoughts multiply in my head and then I just feel like I’m treading water.  That then turns into frustration because I am not trusting God like I should, and the cycle continues. Yet my God has had patience with me, and He gently reminds me He’s with me.

I think it started with getting sick last week. I have learned when I have classes through Saturday, I don’t make a whole lot of time to rest. That’s always been a struggle with teaching, to know when I’ve done enough. When I work and don’t get the rest I should, my body wears down. Plus, it’s the rainy season, so I’m guessing that doesn’t help build my immunity. Also, my schedule might be changing with work, which is part of life in these type of teaching (classes are either 5 or 10 week courses). I could go on with things that have happened, that could be changing, but that’s not the point. It took me a bit to remember that I will always have unknowns in my life, but that’s never suppose to be the focus. God puts all things in my life for a good and loving reason. 

Sometimes things weigh on me, but it takes me a while to understand why (which is not bad, because it’s a prayerful process to figure things out). My life is starting to become more established here, which is good, but then it hit me. The more established I am here, the farther I am from the life I had back in the States. That’s not a novel thought, but I think it’s hard. So much has happened that I wish people from home could understand, but to an extent they never will. That’s part of growing up and moving away, but it’s a new thing for me.

Before I left, I had people (some who know me pretty well) question my motives of why I was going, question if I could handle leaving. I always had mixed emotions about those comments. I think I feared they might be right. I mean I’m not Miss Independent. If you looked at the four kids in my family, I would have been the last candidate to move to a foreign country on her own. However, those fears always drove me back to God’s word, and anytime I came back to God’s word, I didn’t doubt this is what HE wanted. And I don’t doubt it now. Of course, I  have my weak moments of “Am I really doing well here? Am I being the light God wants? Am I strong enough?” The later question is the wrong question. I was never meant to be strong, but I’ve always tried to be.I carry burdens I was never meant to carry.

 I remember years ago, Lucas Bair (my former pastor now missionary to Brasil )preached on weaknesses. He described a weakness as a pedestal for God’s strength. That’s stuck with me over the years, and now makes even more sense. God is intentionally putting me in situations that I get lost or overwhelmed in because I need to know, not just agree with, that God is my sustainer. I will never be adequately equipped on my own; that’s the way God designed it to be. 

In the end, what I really needed was time alone with the Lord. I asked the Lord to help me not be overwhelmed with life but overwhelmed with who He is. I’ve been studying through Isaiah, the Lord showed me this verse.

And now, says the Lord—Who formed me from the womb to be His servant to bring Jacob back to Him and that Israel might be gathered to Him and not be swept away, for I am honorable in the eyes of the Lord and my God has become my strength—Isaiah 49:5

Sometimes “the servant” is referring to the remnant of Israel and sometimes to Christ, but the later part of the verse is what the Spirit used to encourage.I have had the privilege of growing up in a Christian family and the blessing of being part of God’s family for almost 10 years, but now I am learning what it means for God alone to become strength. God is with me, and He is caring for me each day. 

I’ll leave you with my favorite hymn; I went over it the other day for the class I’m helping out with at church (I’ll be sure to tell more of what’s been going on in my next post). I think it’s my favorite because it describes the heart I want to have.

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the Joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,

And Thy beauty fills my soul,

For by Thy transforming power

Thou hast made me whole.