“As for me, being on the way, the Lord led me…” Gen.24:27
My pastor posted this verse today, and over the past year this verse has become reality in my life.
A year ago I was contemplating and praying through the decision to come to Ecuador. I was scared because I had never made such a big decision in my life, but God was faithful and patient with me- He constantly put confirmations in my path to let me know He wanted me in Ecuador.
When the time to leave came, I was truly thrilled. I felt so privileged that God had called me back to Ecuador, the place where He started to form my heart for Him years ago. I looked forward to the opportunities God had awaiting me. I was clueless to what life would look like, but the Lord had led me, so I followed.
That was over 8 months ago… so much has happened and changed; I don’t quite feel like the same person. I am thankful for the godly family and church God placed me in back home, but when I ventured out on my own, I was tested in ways I never saw coming. Loneliness wasn’t the main factor, although that was a struggle at times, but learning to rely on the Lord without that support drew me closer to God in a way I can’t express. My prayers became more transparent and messy than ever, as I was faced with many new and complicated situations. I learned a messy and confused heart was not wrong as long as I was taking that before the Lord. I didn’t always get clarity right away, but I learned to rest in my Father's presence in the midst of the chaos.
I had all these ideas in my head of how God might want to use me here, whether that was with at teaching ministry or church ministry. I was able to serve in both venues, but maybe not as big of a role that I was picturing. Often my time was divided between ministry and teaching, which was frustrating to me ; it’s possible that God could want me in full time ministry someday, or He was just allowing that struggle to see if I would be faithful where He placed me. Now, when I feel like I am just starting to get the swing of things, God has called me to return home. Why? Specifically I can’t tell you why (last post explains how I came to the decision to move home). By God’s grace I don’t doubt that is what He wants me to do, but at first I must admit my heart was crushed. God has guided and opened up so many doors for me to come here. I love Ecuador with all my heart, and I thought I saw so many possibilities for the future. I thought my time here would be longer, and to be honest , in my heart I purposed I would live here on a permanent basis if that’s what God wanted- there was definitely part of me that wanted that to be true.
Yet at the age of 23 I am just scratching the surface of knowing what it means to follow God. I think He purposefully gives me situations that are complex and befuddling so I learn to trust Him and not my own judgment -which is a great sanctification process in my life as I tend to struggle with perfectionism and relying on my own understanding.
In a little less than a month, I will be back in Iowa to start the new chapter God has for me. Will I ever come back to Ecuador on a permanent basis? Although my heart is sincerely open to that, I don’t have a clue. Making plans is wise and even Biblical, but I am learning at the end of the day, my hope has to be in God, not the plan. He knows my heart, and through the heartache and mystery of it all, I trust He will work in ways far better than I could imagine.
20 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— 21 to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
