Blessed Overwhelmedness

Even to your old age I am He, and even to hair white with age will I carry you. I have made, and I will bear; yes, I will carry and will save you.

Isaiah 46:4

The last week and a half has been ...well hard. Why? I’ve pondered that as well. As is the case with me, a multitude of thoughts multiply in my head and then I just feel like I’m treading water.  That then turns into frustration because I am not trusting God like I should, and the cycle continues. Yet my God has had patience with me, and He gently reminds me He’s with me.

I think it started with getting sick last week. I have learned when I have classes through Saturday, I don’t make a whole lot of time to rest. That’s always been a struggle with teaching, to know when I’ve done enough. When I work and don’t get the rest I should, my body wears down. Plus, it’s the rainy season, so I’m guessing that doesn’t help build my immunity. Also, my schedule might be changing with work, which is part of life in these type of teaching (classes are either 5 or 10 week courses). I could go on with things that have happened, that could be changing, but that’s not the point. It took me a bit to remember that I will always have unknowns in my life, but that’s never suppose to be the focus. God puts all things in my life for a good and loving reason. 

Sometimes things weigh on me, but it takes me a while to understand why (which is not bad, because it’s a prayerful process to figure things out). My life is starting to become more established here, which is good, but then it hit me. The more established I am here, the farther I am from the life I had back in the States. That’s not a novel thought, but I think it’s hard. So much has happened that I wish people from home could understand, but to an extent they never will. That’s part of growing up and moving away, but it’s a new thing for me.

Before I left, I had people (some who know me pretty well) question my motives of why I was going, question if I could handle leaving. I always had mixed emotions about those comments. I think I feared they might be right. I mean I’m not Miss Independent. If you looked at the four kids in my family, I would have been the last candidate to move to a foreign country on her own. However, those fears always drove me back to God’s word, and anytime I came back to God’s word, I didn’t doubt this is what HE wanted. And I don’t doubt it now. Of course, I  have my weak moments of “Am I really doing well here? Am I being the light God wants? Am I strong enough?” The later question is the wrong question. I was never meant to be strong, but I’ve always tried to be.I carry burdens I was never meant to carry.

 I remember years ago, Lucas Bair (my former pastor now missionary to Brasil )preached on weaknesses. He described a weakness as a pedestal for God’s strength. That’s stuck with me over the years, and now makes even more sense. God is intentionally putting me in situations that I get lost or overwhelmed in because I need to know, not just agree with, that God is my sustainer. I will never be adequately equipped on my own; that’s the way God designed it to be. 

In the end, what I really needed was time alone with the Lord. I asked the Lord to help me not be overwhelmed with life but overwhelmed with who He is. I’ve been studying through Isaiah, the Lord showed me this verse.

And now, says the Lord—Who formed me from the womb to be His servant to bring Jacob back to Him and that Israel might be gathered to Him and not be swept away, for I am honorable in the eyes of the Lord and my God has become my strength—Isaiah 49:5

Sometimes “the servant” is referring to the remnant of Israel and sometimes to Christ, but the later part of the verse is what the Spirit used to encourage.I have had the privilege of growing up in a Christian family and the blessing of being part of God’s family for almost 10 years, but now I am learning what it means for God alone to become strength. God is with me, and He is caring for me each day. 

I’ll leave you with my favorite hymn; I went over it the other day for the class I’m helping out with at church (I’ll be sure to tell more of what’s been going on in my next post). I think it’s my favorite because it describes the heart I want to have.

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the Joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,

And Thy beauty fills my soul,

For by Thy transforming power

Thou hast made me whole.

Wandering for Food

The other night a group of us from church decided to get some food after the service. We had about 15 of us in the group, so it took us a while to decide where we wanted to go. Then, once we finally got downtown, the restaurant we chose didn’t want to accommodate our large party. So we left, and we just started wandering the streets of Cuenca, trying to figure out where to go. We stopped at a few different places before finally finding a place that everyone liked and could afford. I actually found it all quite humorous, as it’s not out of the ordinary for decisions to take a while in Ecuadorian culture. All in all, We all had a good time , and at about 10:30 I finally got some food:)  In the process of walking, a couple of guys joked that this experience would give me something to write about. I laughed and didn’t think much of it, but with what God has been teaching me lately, the situation actually made a descent analogy.

I have now been in Ecuador for a little over four months. I’ve been spending some time reflecting on what God has been doing, and I feel like a lot has happened in four short months. I think about 90% of the things that I originally thought would occupy my time have barely been part of my life. However, things are turning out better than I could have imagined. God’s goodness in the details continues to amaze me. That being said, I have experienced struggles I didn’t expect either, yet I am knowing God better through the struggles. The two main areas that applies to are  living conditions and ministry.

I thought that I would be living with one or possibly two of my good friends here. As time passed though, those plans didn’t turn out how I had hoped. That weighed on me and discouraged me for a while, but for the past week, I have been living with a couple from church. They graciously offered a room in their house to me, and I am so grateful. To live with people and not come home to an empty apartment is such a blessing, and they truly have been an encouragement to me. God has and is taking care of me in so many ways. 

For the past two and a half months I have been attending Calvary Chapel. I didn’t really see that one coming either. I assumed I would end up going to one of the baptist churches that I had some connections with, but when I arrived God showed me a different plan. I am so thankful He did. I love helping and serving at the church. The more time I spend there, the more like a church family everyone becomes. I sincerely get fed from the Word of God each week.

The last couple of weeks my struggle/question has been how to balance my time. Little by little I am getting to know my co-workers, and I do want to be a light and a testimony to them. However, I sense the Lord increasing my heart for the ministries at church. I don’t know what that means or how exactly I am suppose to view things. I’ve had some very candid prayers with the Lord asking Him if I am doing all of what He wants me to do. I  get scared that I am missing things sometimes, or I question if I am really making an impact for the kingdom. If I am not, my life is not following the will of God. I can tend to be a little over analytical and think too intensely about these things. Moments like that make me miss my dad. I could always go to him and ask him all my questions. It’s not that I don’t communicate with my dad (he’s the only person I consistently email), but I know I have to learn to lean on my Greater Father. God is patient with me, and by His grace I am knowing Him better each day here. I have so many areas that need growth and change, but I praise God His love is not based on my actions; He will always be working in my life because He is good. 

Just like we didn’t expect to wander the streets for so long to find food, I could not have foreseen all the plans and changes God would have me for my first months here;routes kept changing. That night we enjoyed the walk despite all the delays,  and in the same way I am appreciating all “the wanderings” God is taking me through. I hope and pray I take things a day at a time, that I fulfill what my Father wants. A verse  from church this morning kind of sums it all up. 

Jesus said to them, My food (nourishment) is to do the will (pleasure) of Him Who sent Me and to accomplish and completely finish His work.

John 4:34 (AMPV)

Understanding and Appreciating Singleness

Singleness- this is not exactly a topic I foresaw myself blogging about. Why? Well, I’m not sure exactly. I think everyone has so many thoughts on this topic, and though it is where I am at, I don’t always want to draw attention to it. It’s one of the stages of life, but for whatever reason, God has laid this on my heart to write about. I have put it off for a little while, but it’s good to be transparent, and more importantly follow the Lord’s leading, so here goes.

I am a single 23 year old teacher who lives in Ecuador. That’s my description, but that’s not my identity. Do I have my days that I struggle being single? Of course I do. I am not Miss Independent, and I never had a huge desire to go off on my own.I do enjoy teaching, but I would drop that job in a second to be a wife and a mom. However, God has His perfect plan, and He continues to surprise me with where He leads me and the desires He places in my heart. I am learning more and more to enjoy where God has me now while continuing to pray and give Him the desires of my heart. 

Singleness has it’s season and blessings. For example, I have more time to give to the many friendships God has given me. At work, that’s trying to get to know co-workers and trying to set up a time to go out for coffee. For my Christian friends, that’s making time to check up and pray with one another. For my church family, that’s serving where and whenever possible. God has given me a lot of time where I can focus on other people. Do I do that perfectly? Sadly, no, but by God’s grace I am learning. Singleness does not mean I have to spend an exorbitant amount of time by myself; I just have to be a little more proactive in investing in people. That is essential for growth, or , as I have learned, I become even more self-focused. 

Side note: God answered and directed and Im going to move in with a couple from church for the time being, and I                

                           am thankful for that!

The best part of singleness, as I have come to learn and appreciate, is the time I get to spend with the Lord. Regardless of what stage of life I am at, this must always be part of my daily life, but at this stage it’s different. Sometimes the only person I can go to is God, and it’s clear to me that He alone understands. In the last few weeks I have been very aware of my weaknesses. But you know what? God has shown me even deeper how strong He is. He is my Rock, my Savior. I fall into the trap of thinking that because I’m a single girl I need to learn to tough it out, to be strong on my own. That’s a lie. My God is strong for me. It’s through His strength, through His grace, through His truth that I can face each day and decision. Decision making has never been my forte, however I am thankful for the challenges I have faced in the last few months because I was  forced to rely on God to make decisions. And through these struggles, God’s promises have become more precious. Sure my emotions may go up and down, but when I come back to God’s Word, my heart is quieted, and I am learning to rest more and more in my Greater Father. My identity is always to be found in Christ.

I have no idea how long the Lord will have me in this stage in life, but I am ok with that. That’s not my job to figure out. Right now I pray that I learn to know my God better and rely on Him alone. He’s always going to be my Hope and rest. 

Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2