The Heartache of God's Will

Do you ever have weeks that completely take you by surprise? Well, that would accurately describe my last two weeks in Cuenca. I guess I am not even sure how to put to words what has occurred, but to show the faithfulness of God I do want to try. 

Two weeks ago today I was sitting in the doctors office with my friend Julia (a single missionary from Ireland). She had been having some vision problems, and that day they got worse. This doctor visit led to some more doctors visit, and then finally to an MRI. We didn’t think these things would amount to much, especially since both doctors had told us that they were fairly certain it wasn’t something serious. Yet when we talked to the neurologist, we got news neither of expected us to hear: a 70% of MS (Multiple Sclerosis). Ever since those words left the doctors mouth a week and a half ago, life has been a blur. 

The doctor advised Julia to go home for most tests, and Julia’s father and mission confirmed that would be the best idea. So instead of going on a missions trip to Loja as we had planned that weekend, Julia and I stayed to pack her things; she had to go home. 

I wish I could tell you that I spent exorbitant amounts of time in prayer and in God’s Word… I tried but to be honest my mind was having trouble soaking everything - I wasn’t sure what to make of everything. Despite my weakness, God again proved His strength. For everything that He wanted me to do, for every phone call or explanation or errand of food or medicine, He truly became my Rock. Watching someone I truly respect and admire in tears for the unexpected turn of events...broke my heart. I didn’t always have words to say, which I took from the Lord as times to be silent and simply sit with my dear sister. She didn’t doubt God’s goodness; she just didn’t understand, like the rest of us to be honest. I don’t think anyone is immune to being surprised by a phone call or a doctor’s visit. Sometimes God does prepare our hearts for these things, but sometimes we  get shocked by circumstances. That doesn’t mean God is cruel- I think I’m learning that it just means we will learn to know and lean on Him more fully by being faced with unexpected. Even when our hearts may not seem to be prepared, God is working and piecing things together we never would have thought of as being important ( For example, Julia had recently moved into the missionary house at church and put many of her possessions in storage. She knew it was God’s will, although she was hesitant at first. When the time came for her to pack up last week, it was a lot less stressful because she only had a small portion of things to take care of instead of all her belongings).

The week became a little more complicated for me as well as I was given a night class. At first, I was pretty discouraged about that because I knew that would take up more time, and I wanted to be around for Julia as much as possible. Yet even in small situations, I think God was reminding me He is in control, and if He allows a certain outcome to a situation, He has a good and loving reason for it. 

Praise God before Julia had to leave, we had some good laughs and a few despedidas (going away parties). Though it was hard for her to leave, she was able to spend time with the people she loves. She has such a heart for the country of Ecuador. 

Yesterday she finally left. I knew it would be hard to say goodbye, but  it hit me a little harder than I expected. I think part of it was that there was nothing else I could do to help-that had kept me going a lot of time. I didn’t always give myself a whole lot of time to process because I wanted to fulfill the role God wanted me too. Yesterday the tears and sadness finally came. Not only was I sad for all that she was going through, but it hit me that one of my dearest friends was leaving.We’ve had a lot of laughs together, but she was also the one I could always go to and trust and know that she would give godly counsel. She will be missed. 

Through everything, God truly made Himself known to me in a bigger way.He showed me again this is exactly where He wants me to be.I saw how the things He had taken my family through over the years had given me an understanding for how He wanted me to serve these past two weeks. There are times to pray and talk, times to cry and listen, and times to find reasons laugh (my sister Liz taught me the importance of that last one). I also became more thankful for the example of my parents. My mom was always the calm one when it came to medical issues, and she did a good job of asking the necessary questions. My dad was always the one to pray, again and again. I didn’t follow their examples perfectly, but I praise God a godly mother and father who taught me at the end of the day God’s strength and grace are what sustain us. 

I admit I leave you with a bit of a heavy heart, but a hopeful heavy heart. I know those doesn’t usually go together, but God can make them go together. God is my strength, and at the end of the day, despite heartache or unanswered questions, I can rest in His goodness. 

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Psalm 27:4

Blessed Overwhelmedness

Even to your old age I am He, and even to hair white with age will I carry you. I have made, and I will bear; yes, I will carry and will save you.

Isaiah 46:4

The last week and a half has been ...well hard. Why? I’ve pondered that as well. As is the case with me, a multitude of thoughts multiply in my head and then I just feel like I’m treading water.  That then turns into frustration because I am not trusting God like I should, and the cycle continues. Yet my God has had patience with me, and He gently reminds me He’s with me.

I think it started with getting sick last week. I have learned when I have classes through Saturday, I don’t make a whole lot of time to rest. That’s always been a struggle with teaching, to know when I’ve done enough. When I work and don’t get the rest I should, my body wears down. Plus, it’s the rainy season, so I’m guessing that doesn’t help build my immunity. Also, my schedule might be changing with work, which is part of life in these type of teaching (classes are either 5 or 10 week courses). I could go on with things that have happened, that could be changing, but that’s not the point. It took me a bit to remember that I will always have unknowns in my life, but that’s never suppose to be the focus. God puts all things in my life for a good and loving reason. 

Sometimes things weigh on me, but it takes me a while to understand why (which is not bad, because it’s a prayerful process to figure things out). My life is starting to become more established here, which is good, but then it hit me. The more established I am here, the farther I am from the life I had back in the States. That’s not a novel thought, but I think it’s hard. So much has happened that I wish people from home could understand, but to an extent they never will. That’s part of growing up and moving away, but it’s a new thing for me.

Before I left, I had people (some who know me pretty well) question my motives of why I was going, question if I could handle leaving. I always had mixed emotions about those comments. I think I feared they might be right. I mean I’m not Miss Independent. If you looked at the four kids in my family, I would have been the last candidate to move to a foreign country on her own. However, those fears always drove me back to God’s word, and anytime I came back to God’s word, I didn’t doubt this is what HE wanted. And I don’t doubt it now. Of course, I  have my weak moments of “Am I really doing well here? Am I being the light God wants? Am I strong enough?” The later question is the wrong question. I was never meant to be strong, but I’ve always tried to be.I carry burdens I was never meant to carry.

 I remember years ago, Lucas Bair (my former pastor now missionary to Brasil )preached on weaknesses. He described a weakness as a pedestal for God’s strength. That’s stuck with me over the years, and now makes even more sense. God is intentionally putting me in situations that I get lost or overwhelmed in because I need to know, not just agree with, that God is my sustainer. I will never be adequately equipped on my own; that’s the way God designed it to be. 

In the end, what I really needed was time alone with the Lord. I asked the Lord to help me not be overwhelmed with life but overwhelmed with who He is. I’ve been studying through Isaiah, the Lord showed me this verse.

And now, says the Lord—Who formed me from the womb to be His servant to bring Jacob back to Him and that Israel might be gathered to Him and not be swept away, for I am honorable in the eyes of the Lord and my God has become my strength—Isaiah 49:5

Sometimes “the servant” is referring to the remnant of Israel and sometimes to Christ, but the later part of the verse is what the Spirit used to encourage.I have had the privilege of growing up in a Christian family and the blessing of being part of God’s family for almost 10 years, but now I am learning what it means for God alone to become strength. God is with me, and He is caring for me each day. 

I’ll leave you with my favorite hymn; I went over it the other day for the class I’m helping out with at church (I’ll be sure to tell more of what’s been going on in my next post). I think it’s my favorite because it describes the heart I want to have.

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the Joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,

And Thy beauty fills my soul,

For by Thy transforming power

Thou hast made me whole.

Wandering for Food

The other night a group of us from church decided to get some food after the service. We had about 15 of us in the group, so it took us a while to decide where we wanted to go. Then, once we finally got downtown, the restaurant we chose didn’t want to accommodate our large party. So we left, and we just started wandering the streets of Cuenca, trying to figure out where to go. We stopped at a few different places before finally finding a place that everyone liked and could afford. I actually found it all quite humorous, as it’s not out of the ordinary for decisions to take a while in Ecuadorian culture. All in all, We all had a good time , and at about 10:30 I finally got some food:)  In the process of walking, a couple of guys joked that this experience would give me something to write about. I laughed and didn’t think much of it, but with what God has been teaching me lately, the situation actually made a descent analogy.

I have now been in Ecuador for a little over four months. I’ve been spending some time reflecting on what God has been doing, and I feel like a lot has happened in four short months. I think about 90% of the things that I originally thought would occupy my time have barely been part of my life. However, things are turning out better than I could have imagined. God’s goodness in the details continues to amaze me. That being said, I have experienced struggles I didn’t expect either, yet I am knowing God better through the struggles. The two main areas that applies to are  living conditions and ministry.

I thought that I would be living with one or possibly two of my good friends here. As time passed though, those plans didn’t turn out how I had hoped. That weighed on me and discouraged me for a while, but for the past week, I have been living with a couple from church. They graciously offered a room in their house to me, and I am so grateful. To live with people and not come home to an empty apartment is such a blessing, and they truly have been an encouragement to me. God has and is taking care of me in so many ways. 

For the past two and a half months I have been attending Calvary Chapel. I didn’t really see that one coming either. I assumed I would end up going to one of the baptist churches that I had some connections with, but when I arrived God showed me a different plan. I am so thankful He did. I love helping and serving at the church. The more time I spend there, the more like a church family everyone becomes. I sincerely get fed from the Word of God each week.

The last couple of weeks my struggle/question has been how to balance my time. Little by little I am getting to know my co-workers, and I do want to be a light and a testimony to them. However, I sense the Lord increasing my heart for the ministries at church. I don’t know what that means or how exactly I am suppose to view things. I’ve had some very candid prayers with the Lord asking Him if I am doing all of what He wants me to do. I  get scared that I am missing things sometimes, or I question if I am really making an impact for the kingdom. If I am not, my life is not following the will of God. I can tend to be a little over analytical and think too intensely about these things. Moments like that make me miss my dad. I could always go to him and ask him all my questions. It’s not that I don’t communicate with my dad (he’s the only person I consistently email), but I know I have to learn to lean on my Greater Father. God is patient with me, and by His grace I am knowing Him better each day here. I have so many areas that need growth and change, but I praise God His love is not based on my actions; He will always be working in my life because He is good. 

Just like we didn’t expect to wander the streets for so long to find food, I could not have foreseen all the plans and changes God would have me for my first months here;routes kept changing. That night we enjoyed the walk despite all the delays,  and in the same way I am appreciating all “the wanderings” God is taking me through. I hope and pray I take things a day at a time, that I fulfill what my Father wants. A verse  from church this morning kind of sums it all up. 

Jesus said to them, My food (nourishment) is to do the will (pleasure) of Him Who sent Me and to accomplish and completely finish His work.

John 4:34 (AMPV)

Understanding and Appreciating Singleness

Singleness- this is not exactly a topic I foresaw myself blogging about. Why? Well, I’m not sure exactly. I think everyone has so many thoughts on this topic, and though it is where I am at, I don’t always want to draw attention to it. It’s one of the stages of life, but for whatever reason, God has laid this on my heart to write about. I have put it off for a little while, but it’s good to be transparent, and more importantly follow the Lord’s leading, so here goes.

I am a single 23 year old teacher who lives in Ecuador. That’s my description, but that’s not my identity. Do I have my days that I struggle being single? Of course I do. I am not Miss Independent, and I never had a huge desire to go off on my own.I do enjoy teaching, but I would drop that job in a second to be a wife and a mom. However, God has His perfect plan, and He continues to surprise me with where He leads me and the desires He places in my heart. I am learning more and more to enjoy where God has me now while continuing to pray and give Him the desires of my heart. 

Singleness has it’s season and blessings. For example, I have more time to give to the many friendships God has given me. At work, that’s trying to get to know co-workers and trying to set up a time to go out for coffee. For my Christian friends, that’s making time to check up and pray with one another. For my church family, that’s serving where and whenever possible. God has given me a lot of time where I can focus on other people. Do I do that perfectly? Sadly, no, but by God’s grace I am learning. Singleness does not mean I have to spend an exorbitant amount of time by myself; I just have to be a little more proactive in investing in people. That is essential for growth, or , as I have learned, I become even more self-focused. 

Side note: God answered and directed and Im going to move in with a couple from church for the time being, and I                

                           am thankful for that!

The best part of singleness, as I have come to learn and appreciate, is the time I get to spend with the Lord. Regardless of what stage of life I am at, this must always be part of my daily life, but at this stage it’s different. Sometimes the only person I can go to is God, and it’s clear to me that He alone understands. In the last few weeks I have been very aware of my weaknesses. But you know what? God has shown me even deeper how strong He is. He is my Rock, my Savior. I fall into the trap of thinking that because I’m a single girl I need to learn to tough it out, to be strong on my own. That’s a lie. My God is strong for me. It’s through His strength, through His grace, through His truth that I can face each day and decision. Decision making has never been my forte, however I am thankful for the challenges I have faced in the last few months because I was  forced to rely on God to make decisions. And through these struggles, God’s promises have become more precious. Sure my emotions may go up and down, but when I come back to God’s Word, my heart is quieted, and I am learning to rest more and more in my Greater Father. My identity is always to be found in Christ.

I have no idea how long the Lord will have me in this stage in life, but I am ok with that. That’s not my job to figure out. Right now I pray that I learn to know my God better and rely on Him alone. He’s always going to be my Hope and rest. 

Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

That They May Know

About 15 months ago I was reading through the book of Ezekiel as I was spending time in Quito. In  the book, a phrase  is repeated over and over again that truly resonated with me.

That they may know that I am the LORD.

It  was in this time God really started to plant the desire to return to Ecuador. He made it evident to me in so many ways that this was His work, His plan. I guess I never really understood or considered the challenges ( although Im sure I probably said something to the effect of “I’m sure there will be hard days,” before I left). 

Work started this week. Time and patience are always required when adjusting to a new job. I just tend to forget that . It’s the beginning of day four, and I’ve definitely had a roller coaster of a week. During the week, I have one adult class and two kids class. The kids classes brighten my day and make me hope that I have the privilege of being a mom someday. I am done teaching by 5:30 during the week, which is a blessing (and then a Sat. morning class). As I start to learn the ropes of my job, I end up spending a lot of time on my own. I have definitely had many moments were I feel like a loner. I don’t know many of my coworkers yet, so most of my conversations during the day are pretty superficial. By the end of the day, I have spent a lot of time with people but not necessarily talking to anyone, and then I come home to a quiet apartment (still not sure what God wants to do with my living situation). When I spend a good amount of time by myself, discouragement can easily come. I remember going on walks sometimes with my sister Liz, and she could always tell when I hadn't  been spending enough time with people. She would look at me and just say “Hannah, you are spending way too much time by yourself. Snap out of it!” I would get a little frustrated with that, but now I really miss those walks.  

What is it that I find so challenging? Well for starters, I don’t know anyone very well. That’s always part of a new job. Thankfully I think there are a couple of girls that are believers at school, so I am hoping to get to know them better. Also, I am use to working in Christian environments. Besides a daycare job my freshman year in college, I realized that all of my other jobs have always been founded or run by Christians. I am in a whole new ball game now. The last couple of months I have been able to help and spend a lot of time with people at church, but now that will not be as frequent- that’s hard for me as well. I have definitely had moments the last couple of weeks were I wished I could be in full time ministry helping out at the church. Maybe God will use that desire in the future and ,although that’s not a wrong to want to serve in the church, that is not where God has called me full-time right now. I think I miss having people along side of me living for the same mission, to know God and make much of Him.

 Those are all the thoughts that have been swimming in my mind, but here are the truths. 

God has called me here. Last fall we had a missions conference at my church, and when  the wife of a  young missionary couple (that I respect deeply) was asked what was one thing people entering into missions should know she said, “Make sure you are called.” I understand that better now. Hardships and trials will always come, and sometimes my only anchor for being here is knowing that God has called me. I am not an official missionary, but God has clearly given me a mission field. Building friendships and relationships with people will definitely take time, along with understanding my job. However, there are so many lost people at work. I need to spend more time thinking and praying for them than focusing on myself. That’s where Satan likes to get me, focusing too much on how I feel or what I think. That’s what I need God’s word is for, to fend and defend  against the enemy’s lies and the selfishness of my own heart.

 I will also have to be proactive in getting to know people- this will take work. I will have to make that a priority, because only seeing teachers in-between classes will not build a very good friendship.

Before I left Iowa, I remember that one of reasons God laid on my heart for coming to Cuenca  was so that I would get out of my Christian bubbles. I don’t want to hide or just do what is comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I need Christian friends, and God has blessed me in that area. However, the main focus of my time can not be spent with them. What is the right balance between my mission field and church/Christian fellowship? To be honest, I am not sure. I am new at a lot of this, and I can get overwhelmed or scared. Those moments only come though when I am  focusing too much on my present circumstances and not on the Gospel. God is still my Greater Father, and He is still with me every step of the way. He has planned all my steps and my stops as well (George Muller paraphrase). He is putting all of this situations and challenges in my life so that I may Know He is the LORD. 

WINDS OF CHANGE

Three months. It’s kind of crazy to believe that I have been here that long. The time has gone by fast, and my Father has been so good to teach me through it all. He has blessed with many opportunities to share the Gospel, and I have the privilege of serving in a Gospel centered church. 

I wondered what would fill my time in August and September before work, and I prayed God would give me ways to serve Him. He was kind and answered that prayer. I can honestly say that I have not had a day where I have been board;) It’s been a blessing because I have been able to get to know the believers in church better, which will be a good foundation. 

Life is about to change once again though. I have meetings this weekend, and Monday I start teaching. Although I am excited, I always get a little nervous when I am about to start something new.  I don’t know what my schedule will look like, which will effect my involvement at church.I also have never had a full-time secular job, so that makes me a little uneasy. I must admit I have had my moments where I wish I could be a full time missionary ,helping in the church; that would be the comfortable thing for me to do. Maybe someday I will have that privilege, but that’s not what God has called me to right now. As I have been spending time in the Word, God reminded me of the needs of the lost. I was ashamed at how little I had thought and prayed for my upcoming ministry at school. That’s my mission field. Will there be other believers there? I have no idea. But my Father will walk with me. 

My housing situation is still a little complicated, and that has proved to be somewhat of a struggle. I have my moments where I feel lost at what I am suppose to do or how I am suppose to handle situations. However, I think that’s where God wants me. I am not strong enough to figure this out. The prideful, perfectionist side of me thinks that I should, so this is more of God’s uncomfortable grace to root out the foolish confidence I have in my own understanding and produce a deeper trust in Him. 

   Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
    for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
       for I give myself to you...Teach me to do your will,
       for you are my God.
  May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
       on a firm footing.

                                                             Psalm 143

DIY 101

As a kid, my mom always had HGTV  or cooking shows- my sisters and I would usually groan and ask her if we could watch something else. Funny how tables turn, and now I am wishing I had paid more attention to these things when I was growing up. 

In preparing to move to Cuenca, I knew in August and September I probably wouldn’t have a lot of teaching opportunities, and I wondered what I would do; I didn’t want to waste time, and let me tell you, the Lord has taken care of that :) I am currently helping with two major projects at church, which truly is exciting for me. 

Calvary Chapel has two houses right beside the church that they rent, and one of those  is the mission house. The house is used for missionaries or teams when they come to the church. My friend Julia, who has been a great encouragement and answer to prayer, moved into the house a couple of weeks ago. The house is…. well for lack of better terms, quite dated in an unattractive fashion. Once Karen (another lady from church) saw the house as well, we wanted to see how we could help. We started brainstorming ideas, and I must admit I started using Pintrest quite a bit! We are in the process of painting and cleaning up the house. We have a long way to go, and it will kind of depend on what get’s donated to how far we can go; I am trying to be as creative as possible in an economic way. Karen has a lot more experience in this area, and so I am thankful she helping out quite a bit! I admit I kind of wish my mom was here to help with all of this- she always had good solutions to house decorating problems; however this has made me more thankful for my mom’s example. We never had a lot of money, but she always tried to make our house a place we would want to come and spent time in at the end of the day. I want to carry the same idea for the mission house, that it becomes a place God can use to encourage the body and give rest and comfort to those who need it. 

The next project is related to Thanksgiving- yes I know it’s still about ten weeks away,  but I am learning good planning takes time. Once again Karen has been a huge help. We both research ideas, and it’s so helpful for me to have someone to discuss all the ideas with and who gives constructive  feedback. We are going to try to do a traditional dinner with the individuals from the English service. Prayers would be much appreciated as well. I can be a little over ambitious sometimes with ideas, but most importantly I want it to be something that honors the Lord and remains focused on all the blessings He has given us.

Needless to say, life has not been without activity, and for that I praise God. I am thankful that I can use my time off in a way that honors my Father. I have had some challenging moments as well. I am not sure what is happening in the roommate area-it seems the plans I thought were sure are falling through. That might surprise me, but it doesn’t surprise my God. My prayer is that I am just soft to what the Lord wants me to do. Right now I think that’s just wait; I need His direction, but until He makes it clear what He wants, I will wait and just keep pouring out my heart to Him. 

Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find.

Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who

asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knows, the

door will be opened. What man among you, if his son asks him for bread, will 

give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who 

are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your 

Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

Matthew 7:7-11